Out Of The Darkness

Life is a strange old thing, we are all different in so many ways and our early life, memories and the way we are treated lays the foundations of our personalities.

Some of us are glass half full, some are half empty and some simply don’t care.

I don’t know who I envy the most the half full or the don’t cares.

As much as I try not to be I am a half empty guy, and boy to I try not to be.

I try to present a confident, self assertive persona, but the sad truth is my belief in myself is so fragile the smallest of cracks usually results in a total melt down.

I tend to use humour as a crutch or a shield if you like.

I think it goes back to being bullied as a child, if you made a joke of it the bullying seemed to get less, but it didn’t in reality.

I developed into the class clown and once you take up that role it develops into a deep desire for attention and acceptance.

You don’t get the attention and the acceptance, the persona you have created gets it.

Right now some of you are understanding this but the vast majority are not.

I don’t think there is a way to give anybody confidence but the way we react and treat people can effect their self belief.

My lack of real confidence comes from betrayal or at least my interoperation of betrayal.

I was adopted from birth and I think that’s were my issues lie.

To most people birthdays are a time of celebration, for me I hate them because it just reminds me of rejection.

The 2 ultimate betrayals in my life came on my birthday, my adoption and the rejection by my only true love.

As far as I know my birth mother was 17 and engaged when she had me, she did go on to marry my real father, I only know this because my adopted mother found out, I have never even looked into it.

The fact they stayed together actually makes it more galling to me, but it was 1962 and I suppose “society” was different then.

The only reason I know so much was because when my father died I actually spoke to my mother about it for the 1st time.

As a side bar I also found out I had a real lucky escape at the time of my adoption, my mother wanted to call me HARVEY, yes HARVEY!!

I actually said to my mum “what the f’in hell made you want to call me Harvey!!!”
“Well” she said “I went to school with a boy called Harvey and every body picked on him, so I felt sorry for him” NO SHIT SHERLOCK!!

If you are of a certain class and attend Eton I think Harvey is totally acceptable, but in rural Scotland!!!

But I digress.

Typical eh, try a serious blog and I have to break into a bit of comedy.

Sort of reiterates the point I made earlier.

I fight depression every day, most days I win but some days I lose, its just part of my everyday life.

If you told me 3, 4 years ago I could speak so openly about it I would not have believed, if being frank on the bad days I could not write about it.

So what prompted this little confession today?

The ignorance of so many to be honest & a comment made on the golf coverage last night.

I have said this before but the true sign of depression is being lonely in a room full of people.

Depression, lack of confidence, call in what you will is an illness.

But it bears no visible scars, no limp or bruise, it is self contained on the inside.

People who tell you to “buck up” or “get over it!” have never been there and don’t understand it.

But what is worse is those that claim they have suffered from it and then berate others for having it.

You don’t switch it on & off to suit your “public” needs, you just fight it in the best way you can.

So please think on and think twice when you speak to people who suffer genuine mental illness, because that’s what it is.

Bi Polar, ADT, Depression call it what you will, no matter what you call it still affects a real person.  

You know what costs nothing in life? Caring, understanding and listening all of which are so much better than ill-informed advice.

And sympathy is the worst thing to feel or show.   

If we all just stopped, looked and listened a wee bit more life would be so much richer for all of us.